Submitted by DoNotDisturbMike
I looked at my phone the other day and had 37 notifications waiting for me, and for maybe two seconds I thought something had actually happened. Maybe somebody was trying to get ahold of me, maybe there was an emergency, or maybe something else important happened that I should probably know about. Nope. Uber Eats wanted me to save $5 on dinner, Amazon wanted me to look at something I already looked at three days ago, YouTube had a bunch of videos it thought I needed to watch right now and some game I havent played in like six months apparently missed me. I think the weather app told me it was cloudy too, which was especially useful because I have windows. Why does every fucking app need to talk to me all day?
I understand notifications for some things. Text messages, emails, missed calls, calendar reminders, stuff like that makes sense because either somebody is actually trying to contact me or I specifically asked my phone to remind me of something. Somewhere along the way though every company realized notifications were basically free advertising and now everything on my phone wants permission to annoy me. Food delivery apps are probably some of the worst about it because apparently they think I need to be reminded several times a day that food exists. DoorDash will send something at 9:43 in the morning like “Craving something delicious?” No, I’m at work and I just ate breakfast. I’ve also been aware of lunch for most of my life, I don’t need an app reminding me hamburgers are available.
Shopping apps are just as bad, especially Amazon. I actually like getting notifications when a package ships or when it gets delivered because that’s useful, especially if something is sitting outside my house. I don’t need notifications about random sales, something I bought six months ago, something I looked at once or twenty other products Amazon has decided I’m interested in now. I searched for vacuum cleaners a while back because mine was making a weird noise, then it stopped making the noise so I didnt buy one. Apparently just looking at them was enough to convince Amazon I had developed some kind of serious vacuum hobby because for the next week it kept showing me vacuums, filters, replacement brushes and whatever other vacuum shit they could find. I didn’t even buy the fucking vacuum. I looked at it for ten minutes.
Then you have all the apps that start getting needy because you havent opened them recently. “Come back, we miss you!” No you don’t, you’re a fucking app. Mobile games are especially annoying with this because some stupid game you downloaded three years ago while sitting in an airport suddenly decides your kingdom is under attack or your crops are dying or your village desperately needs you. Well apparently the village survived three years without me so I think they’ll figure it out. I had one game start sending me notifications again after I hadn’t opened it in so long that I genuinely didn’t remember what the game was. I’m pretty sure I only downloaded it because I saw an ad and was bored. If your entire civilization collapses because Mike stopped playing during a layover in 2023 then maybe it deserved to collapse.
Of course you can turn notifications off, which I do, but even that is more complicated than it needs to be now. Half these apps have fifteen different categories for notifications and you have to go through figuring out which ones are useful and which ones are just bullshit. Account notifications, promotional notifications, recommendations, suggested content, reminders, updates, announcements, community activity, special offers and probably a few others I forgot. All I want is for the app to tell me when something actually happens that I give a shit about. If my bank thinks somebody stole my credit card, tell me. If my package was delivered, tell me. If somebody sends me a message, tell me. If Taco Bell has rearranged the same seven ingredients into a new $6.99 box I think I’ll manage to discover that on my own.
What really gets me are apps that ask for notification permission the second you install them. I havent even used the damn thing yet and it’s already asking if it can start bothering me. I don’t know if I like you yet, I don’t even know if you work. Imagine meeting somebody for the first time and before they even tell you anything about themselves they ask if they can text you several times a day about deals. Then if you say no, some apps will wait a few days and ask again anyway. “Notifications are disabled, turn them on so you dont miss important updates!” I disabled them on purpose. Missing your updates is literally what I was trying to accomplish.
Websites are doing it now too, which somehow annoys me even more. I’ll go to a website one time because I Googled some random question and within five seconds it wants to send notifications to my browser. Absolutely fucking not. I barely wanted to be on your website in the first place and I’m probably leaving as soon as I get the answer. Half the time I’m there because I searched something stupid like how long leftover chicken stays good in the fridge or what size windshield wipers my car takes. Why would I want breaking news alerts from you for the rest of my life? I needed one piece of information, this isnt the beginning of a relationship.
The other problem is all this crap makes actual notifications easier to miss. When everything on the phone is treated like it’s important then none of it looks important anymore, because you get used to seeing a pile of icons every time you look at the screen. I’ll see eight notifications sitting there and just assume they’re mostly bullshit, then two hours later realize one of them was actually a text from somebody. That’s probably the most annoying part because notifications are supposed to help you notice things, and now there are so many useless ones that I’ve trained myself to ignore them. It’s basically the boy who cried wolf except the wolf is somebody texting me asking if I’m still coming over later. Meanwhile Uber Eats is making absolutely sure I know chicken wings are available. Thanks guys.
I know why companies do it obviously, they want you opening the app. They want engagement or whatever word they’re using for it this week and they want their logo popping up on your phone enough times that eventually you think about buying something. I’m sure it works too because otherwise every company on Earth wouldn’t be doing it. Somewhere out there somebody gets a notification saying mozzarella sticks are 20 percent off and immediately changes their dinner plans. Fine, good for him. For me all they’ve accomplished is teaching me to turn notifications off the second I install anything. I probably shut them off on apps that actually would have had something useful to tell me now because everybody else ruined it.
At this point almost everything on my phone is muted except messages, email, banking stuff and a handful of other things I actually care about. Maybe I’ve gone too far with it, but I really dont care anymore because I’m tired of my phone lighting up to tell me absolutely nothing. So if you’re making an app and you’re trying to decide whether something deserves a notification, maybe ask if the person actually needs to know this right now. Is somebody trying to contact them, did something happen with their money, did something they ordered arrive, is their house on fire? Fine, send it. Are you just trying to tell me there’s a sale on sandwiches until Thursday? Leave me the fuck alone, I’ll open the app when I want something.
And no, I dont want to turn on notifications to stay updated.
