Submitted by ThreeStarMike
I was trying to order pizza the other night and made the mistake of looking at the reviews first.
This should have took me 5 minutes. Find a place nearby, make sure nobody mentions food poisoning, order a large pepperoni and be done with it. Instead, I spent almost half an hour trying to figure out which reviews were real and which ones were written by complete idiots.
One guy gave the restaurant one star because the DoorDash driver left his food on the porch instead of handing it to him. Another person gave it five stars and said they hadnt actually eaten there yet, but they were excited to try it. Somebody else complained that the food arrived cold, then mentioned that they lived almost 40 minutes away.
What am I supposed to do with any of this?
Online reviews used to be helpful. Or maybe I just remember them being helpful because there wasnt as much fake bullshit everywhere. You could look up a restaurant or product, read what a few people had to say and get a general idea of whether it was worth your money.
Now half the reviews arent even about the actual thing being reviewed.
Restaurant reviews are mostly people complaining about delivery drivers, missing sauce cups or the fact that their order took too long on a Friday night. Product reviews are full of people who ordered the wrong size, bought something that doesnt fit their device or apparently never read the description before paying for it.
I was looking at phone cases a few months ago and saw someone give one star because it didnt fit their phone. They ordered the case for a completely different model. They even admitted that in the review and still blamed the seller.
How is that the seller’s fault? You bought the wrong fucking thing.
Then you have the 5-star reviews that dont actually say anything. “Looks great, havent used it yet.” “Just arrived today, excited to try it.” “Bought this as a gift.”
Nobody cares. Come back after you actually use it.
The fake reviews are usually pretty obvious too. Every one of them says the same vague shit about how the product is great quality and exceeded expectations. They never explain what they used it for, how long they owned it or what they actually liked about it. It just reads like somebody was paid $5 to write two sentences.
Businesses make the whole thing worse by constantly begging people for 5 stars. Employees circle their names on receipts and tell you to mention them in the review. Sellers put cards in packages offering gift cards or discounts if you leave positive feedback. Some places send you three emails asking for a review before you even had time to use whatever you bought.
Because of this, everything has a rating somewhere around 4.5 stars. A great restaurant has 4.6 stars. A mediocre restaurant has 4.5. A place that gave half the neighborhood diarrhea probably still has a 4.2 because the owner’s family left a bunch of 5 star reviews.
The rating itself doesnt tell you shit anymore.
Negative reviews arent much better. People give one star over the smallest problem imaginable. Their fries were cold, the cashier didnt smile enough or somebody forgot to put napkins in the bag. Instead of just deciding the experience wasnt great and moving on, they write 6 paragraphs about how the business has lost a loyal customer forever.
I always wonder how loyal they actually were. Half the time they say it was their first visit.
Review bombing has also made things worse. A business owner says something stupid online and suddenly 100s of people who never visited the business are leaving reviews. The place might deserve criticism but that doesnt tell me whether the food is good or whether the plumber knows how to fix my sink.
The most useful reviews are usually the boring ones in the middle. 3 or 4 stars, a couple specific details and no dramatic bullshit. The food was good but the service was slow. The product works but feels cheap. The hotel was clean but the parking sucked.
That’s useful. I can make a decision based on that.
I still read reviews because there isnt really a better option. I just ignore most of them and look for the same complaint coming up several times. If one person says a chair broke, maybe they put it together wrong. If twenty people say it broke, then the chair is probably a piece of shit.
That seems to be the only way to use reviews now. Ignore the overall rating, skip the people ranting about delivery drivers, avoid the suspicious five-star praise and hope a few normal people bothered to leave an honest review.
I ordered the pizza anyway.
It was pretty good, but they forgot my garlic sauce.
3 stars.
