My beloved Taco Bell has come under attack, and, as someone who loves Taco Bell with all my heart, soul, and peepee (especially my peepee), I feel obligated to come to their defense.
There’s been a lot of finger-pointing and name-calling over the recent outbreak of cyclospora. The outbreak was traced back to Taco Bell’s lettuce, tomatoes, and a few other things that I’m too lazy to look up right now. Rather than blame Taylor Farms, the supplier of the produce, idiots everywhere have taken to blaming Taco Bell itself for the outbreak.
I just want to say fuck anyone and everyone who blames Taco Bell for this outbreak. If you’ve got a problem with Taco Bell, then you’ve got a problem with me, motherfucker.
This epidemic wasn’t caused by anyone at Taco Bell improperly handling the food. It was caused by Mexicans shitting in fields and waterways that supply water to the fields. Taco Bell’s whole part in this consisted simply of getting a shipment of tainted produce. All you people blaming them for this can feel free to choke on a bag of Mexican jumping dicks.
People are always so quick to talk shit on Taco Bell for everything and anything. My favorite is when people say that it gives you the shits. Yeah, maybe if you’ve got a weak ass stomach. People who get the shits from Taco Bell usually only get it because they don’t get enough fiber in their regular diets. So then they eat some refried beans, and their bodies panic and they crap up a storm. Literally just stop being a fat fuck who eats trash 24/7 and you won’t have this problem.
I’m not even joking. Here’s a picture of one of my Taco Bell lunches from a couple months ago:
I ate all of this in one sitting, and I didn’t get diarrhea. That’s because I’m not a fat fuck with a trash diet. I eat clean at least 85% of the time so I can go into Taco Bell and flex on fat fucks by eating all this food in front of them.
All that cost me around $20. Where the fuck else are you gonna get all this food for that cheap in this post-COVID hellhole? Chipotle? Please, Chipotle gives you like two small ass pieces of chicken and a huge bowl of rice for $15. Fuck Chipotle and their overpriced basic white bitch food.
You might be wondering why I’m on here simping so hard for a fast food chain. Because I recognize and reward loyalty. Unlike most of you godless heathens who talk all the shit in the world about Taco Bell but still eat there all the time. Taco Bell had my back for all these years, and now I’m returning the favor.
When it was 2 AM and I was smashed after a night of drinking with the boys, the Taco Bell drive-thru was there to make sure I didn’t have to go to Checkers and wait 20 minutes to get my order fucked up.
When I was hungry as fuck and not drunk or high or anything, Taco Bell was there with their Taco Party 12 Pack to feed my totally sober but super hungry ass.
When it was 12 AM and I was 18 and getting my ass kicked in Dragon Ball Z Budokai 3, Taco Bell was there to give me an excuse to stop playing while saving face.
When I was 16 and needed a place to take a girl for dinner before fingerblasting her in the back of a movie theater, Taco Bell was there to provide us with cheap eats to fuel our run to third base.
Taco Bell has been there for me through thick and thin. I don’t even just mean that metaphorically either, they were there for me when I was fat and they’re always there for me now when I’m thin.
So before you go around blaming Taco Bell for something they had no responsibility for, think about all the times they were there for you. Now think about what a piece of shit you are for running your mouth talking all kinds of shit that ain’t true.
Then you can fuck right off.
Don’t worry Taco Bell, I’ve got your back.
