So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking drinking lately, and I try to stay up-to-date on the news. Mostly I’ve been trying to identify with my Irish heritage by drinking myself into a stupor every night while listening to the Dropkick Murphys and watching the only fair and balanced news show I know of. Truth be told, it’s a pretty slow news week.
Then something interesting happened. Duke Nukem died, horribly, in a building collapse. Sources close to the story blame the economy, but, I don’t; I think Duke Nukem was just like James Dean, too fast too live, too young to die, bye bye.
Now, I wouldn’t consider myself a close personal friend of Duke Nukem, he actually told me that the world would be a better place if I were a stain on my mom’s mattress, but I have known Duke since the old days. That is to say, that I knew Duke back when he was a side scrolling shooter that could stomp the shit out of Mario any day of the week.
If there is one thing everyone can agree about Duke, it’s that he had balls of steel. Steel balls so big that it caused him to develop spinal malformations from the momentous task of just carrying them around with him. Duke Nukem had balls of steel so large, that when he walked down the hall, they would clank together and shoot sparks.
Duke Nukem was a man ahead of his time, a man born to kick ass and chew bubble gum, trapped in a post-apocalyptic world without bubble gum. Duke Nukem was so bad ass, that he could steal one-liners from people like Bruce Willis and Bruce Campbell and and no one dared to call him on it. The Terminator once said that Duke Nukem was just a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger ripoff, and Duke simply walked up like it was all cool, then broke a broom handle off so far up his ass that The Terminator now pays a Mexican woman to tie his shoes for him in the morning.
Who else could blatantly rip-off a line by Roddy Piper in the cult classic “They Live” and get away away with it? Anybody, that’s who; because Americans don’t appreciate classic cinema, and that’s why fucknuts on the internet think “Say hello to my little friend” is a line from the Simpsons, Rosebud is a princess, and “I can’t do that Dave” is from Chappelle’s Show. Fuck you America, you didn’t deserve Duke Nukem.
Duke Nukem wasn’t the hero America deserved, but the one it needs right now. So they hunted him because he could take it. Because he was our hero. He’s was a non-silent guardian, a smart-mouth protector. A dark knight; only not dark, and armed with a shrink ray, and he never made a pencil disappear, but he made his penis disappear, in your mom’s face.
As Duke Nukem once confided to me, he said: “I like big guns and I cannot lie.” There is not a single person alive cool enough to pull off that line, not even Sir Mix-A-Lot himself. Not a single person, except maybe that one army dude who named himself Optimus Prime. Tupac could come back from the grave as a west sider zombie, thugin’ and creepin’ in a black hearse, and couldn’t get away with saying: “I like big guns and I cannot lie.”
Duke Nukem died while banging Lara Croft. Duke never did anything half-assed, and when he finally hit that shit, he hit it like the almighty fist of God. Duke hit that shit so hard, that the mere shock wave from the deep penetration caused the building to collapse around him. Unfortunately, Lara was blown free of the collapse by Duke’s spunk cannon.
When asked for a statement, Mario and Luigi stated that they now felt safe to come out of hiding, and out of the closet. For some unknown reason Princess Peach seemed highly distraught, as did Samus Aran.
Duke, I will wear my heart upon my sleeve; For daws to peck at: I am not what I am. Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing. Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow. When the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger; or quote lines from shitty 1980s action movies, same difference.
Duke Nukem was an equal opportunity ass kicker, and he will be missed, forever.
