As many of you know, I have been interested in becoming published professionally for most of my life. What you might not know, is that I’m actually willing to do just about anything, and that’s why I’ve been hanging around outside the offices of some major editors with a greasy bag of McDonalds going: “Man, I got these cheeseburgers. They some double cheeseburgers…”
Anyway, I was reading today, apparently, recessions are often tied to a sudden spike in the number of romance novels sold. This should come as no surprise given that all the escapism industries tend to get a boost during a recession. (What I wouldn’t give to have some stock in booze right now, or at least a stash of booze. Oh hell, who am I kidding, I’d drink a bottle of NyQuil at this point.) Turns out that when life sucks, people want to forget about theirs, who’d of thunk it?
So I have to ask myself, does my moral compass point to true north? Am I willing to debase myself by writing something I wouldn’t read myself, just make a quick buck? The answer to the first question is “No”, the answer to the second questions is “Oh Hell Yea.” So without further ado, Rantlister proudly presents:
“DrakeGTA’s Wonderful Happytime Economic Down-turn Romantic Escape from Your Own Shitty Life.”
I could tell he was checking me out from the street as his 1994 Honda Accord pulled into the discount filler station. He sexfully pulled out the lever for 86 octane, slid the long pipe into the waiting hole, and begun to pump. He washed his windows with the supplied squeegee and entered the store. He read the deals sign on the “Hot Food 2 Go” cart and spoke to me in a low deep voice.
“I have $20 unleaded on pump two, and I’ll take the combo with a burrito and a free latte.”
I gave him a little wink as I filled his reusable coffee thermos, then bent over the burrito cart showing my cleavage to him as best I could. “See anything here you like?”
“It’s hard to tell the quality of the merchandise, when it’s all wrapped up like that.” He said.
“Oh, well everything you’ll find here is top quality, and taste delicious.” I said as I leaned my head to the side exposing my neck and running a gloved hand through my long auburn hair.
“I see, well, I wouldn’t mind having one of those big ones in my mouth.” We made eye contact as I reached into the cart and pulled out a Jumbo Texican Spicy Beaner. I felt myself blushing and quickly turned away. Our hands briefly touched as I handed him a packet of vinegar based picante sauce.
“Would this be cash or credit?” I said, in my best come hither voice.
“Cash of course, I paid off all my credit cards and I’m debt free.” He said as he was reaching down into his tight fitting off-brand jeans and pulling out a great big, thick, leather wallet.
“Smart man” I said; I could feel myself becoming moist, “I think smart is sexy. Total comes to $22.23.”
“Thank you.” He said as he started to walk away from me.
“That’s a nice car, I really like the beaded seat covers, are they the Mexican flag ones from the flee market?” I called to him from across the dirty floor.
“You know it baby, and the best part is, it’s all payed off.”
I gasped audibly.
“Maybe you’d like to go for a ride some time?” He said with a knowing nod.
“I’d love for you to give me a ride, or maybe I could give you one?” I said as I unbuttoned the second button on my Slave N’ Save Discount Filler Station uniform polo shirt. He sat his burrito and free latte down on the counter, pulled me in tightly and kissed my lips, his kiss tasted like jalapeños and pinto beans; Spicy. Then the music started, and we fucked.
Shit, I’ve never seen a real romance movie, I only know pornos.
