EDITOR’S NOTE – I was contacted by a reader of RL a while back who wanted us to publish stories from his diary. Since their isn’t fuck else going on around here we decided to post some of the more interesting entries. We hope you enjoy.
-= Bagoda =-
March 15, 2011
My name is Penis Condom. I know I know. What kind of parents would name their kid Penis Condom? Before you answer that question I feel as though I should tell you a little bit about my parents. They aren’t some sadistic couple that had a kid just so they could give it the most fucked up name imaginable or anything like that. On the contrary, they are as kind and loving as any parents could be.
You see, when I was born, my parents had only been in the United States for a few months. They packed up everything they had on a last minute whim. They wanted their child to have all the opportunities they never had. So yes bitch, I am an anchor baby. Let’s just get that shit out of the way right now.
The problem is that my parents didn’t take the time to learn a single word of English. They didn’t even take the time to research proper American baby names which you might think that they would do. No, they wanted me to always remember my rich heritage by giving me a strong ethnic name. They named me Penis (pronounced Pennis) after the first king of my country. Legend has it that King Penis I (there were over a dozen King Penis’) penetrated the walls of Queen Vagina (pronounced Vragineria) and laid the seed for our future empire. He was not just famed for his military might but for his posture as well. It was said that when King Penis stood erect everybody’s mouth flew open in awe of such an awesome site. Being named Penis, they thought, would instill my strong and noble history.
Our last name, Condom (pronounced Cone-Dome), means promoter of pleasure. It comes from the long history of court jesters in the family. In fact, there was a time when the jesters were simply referred to as Condoms and wore greased up little hats that had rounded points. At some point in their show someone working with the Condom would hop up on stage and roll the small hat down and rub the Condoms ears until he screamed and puked. I know it sounds disgusting but that’s how my people rolled way back when.
So, as you can see, my parents meant well. They thought they were giving me a good balanced name. But had they understood the idea that words can be spelled identical in two different languages yet have such dramatically different meaning perhaps they would have understood that they really named me Cock Prophylactic. I may have a strong ethnic name but nobody fucking knows that. I have yet to be called Pennis Conedome by ANYONE.
But, to be fair, I would not be the man I am today had it not been for my name. Much like Johnny Cash’s Sue, I was given a name that had no choice but to make a man out of me and it is for that reason that I have decided to allow my diary to be published here on Rantlister.com. I want to let the world know who Penis Condom is and why I matter. I want to let people know that you are so much more than a name. I also want to inform parents that there is a shit load of damage that can be done to child without even trying. This will become apparent as you read more and more of my words.
So, as per our agreement, I will send Bagoda an entry from my diary every week and he will post it here for me. I hope you find my stories entertaining.
Until Next Time,
Penis Condom.
