I’m not asking this ironically or sarcastically. I’m 100% serious. I’m not asking have you ever enjoyed music that incorporated wind instruments into it, obviously most of us have, but what I’m asking, has there ever actually been a wind instrument that actually sounded good?
Let me explain my reasoning here, there is this classic song called Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty. This song is featured in movies, TV shows, and video games, it is largely considered a staple of classic rock rotation, if you turn on a classic rock station at work, there is a pretty good chance you’re going to hear it at some point throughout the course of the day. Per Wikipedia this song features “a prominent eight-bar saxophone riff played as a break between verses, by Raphael Ravenscroft.” It is an awesome song ruined by eight bars of out of place pointless saxophone bullshit. It’s a nice, mellow, relaxing jam, the kind you could fall asleep listening to, until all of the sudden this halting, screeching nails on a chalkboard saxophone comes in and ruins your day.
So it occurred to me, has there ever been a case where a saxophone improved a song? I say no. Let’s think about some famous saxophone songs. George Michael, Careless Whisper, 1984, nope, saxophone totally ruins it, sweet, sentimental, pulls at your heart string, then some burley sax man comes in screeching like a banshee in heat and ruins the whole thing. Bob Seger, Turn The Page, 1973, great song, until of all the sudden a dying elephant wonders into the recording booth and starts trumpeting in its misery and suffering. It doesn’t even have to be classic rock, Katy Perry, Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.), 2010, I’m sitting here enjoying a video of a chesty young woman dancing around singing about drinking too much and having a ménage à trois with her (presumably hot) friend, and all of the sudden Kenny G pops out of a portal from that bad Christmas album every white lady on Earth owned in the 1990s and shits allover everything with his distorted noise pipe.
Okay, fine, we’ve established that saxophones are loud and screechy and never add anything, but there are other wind instruments. Let’s evaluate a few of those.
Tuba. I dare say a good sound has never exited the business end of a tuba. Even if you play the instrument perfectly, what comes out of it is a cacophony of chaos and dystrophic calamity. Listen to the original Veggie Tails theme song, that’s not enjoyable, that’s the sound you hear when you’re in the trash compactor of a garbage truck full of cymbals as it gets sucked passed the event horizon of a black hole. Nothing ever produced by a tuba should dare to call itself music.
Okay, let’s try Trombones. I sure do like The Wrong Way by Sublime (1994) but for the love of Christ, the Trombone adds nothing to that song, it cannot add to the song, only take away. That said wind instruments work great for punk music, because it is meant to be offensive, abrasive, off key, and detrimental to the ears. (Look, I’m just a poor peasant, I don’t know, don’t care, and I never want to find out or understand the half a million subtle differences that separate the half-million subgenres of punk music and why every time I try to label a song or band into one of them I’m wrong.) But, granted that we give punk a pass here, allowing likes of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones and The Dropkick Murphys to play wind instruments and still be awesome, we can’t give everyone a free pass.
How about the band Chicago? A band formed in 1967, prominently featuring trumpets, trombones, and woodwinds, and after five decades they are still writing new songs, bringing us such classics as Saturday in the Park and… ugh… um… Anyway, they are completely unlistenable. It’s like being tortured by Muppets. I mean, it is a little sweet, it kind of reminds you of being a kid, but at the end of the day, you are still being tortured, and it would take an awful lot of Stockholm syndrome to make it enjoyable.
Accordions: I rest my case.
Bag Pipes: Nope.
Clarinet: Has anyone ever voluntarily listened to a clarinet solo? I mean, has anyone ever purposely chose to listen to a song with a prominent clarinet in it? Not just because they went to someone’s recital? Don’t think so.
Recorder, Melodica, Orcania, etc.: Look these aren’t even real instruments, this is what they give the slow kids in band class so they don’t feel left out.
Harmonica: Now the harmonica is a classic staple of blues, bluegrass, folk, and classic rock music, I’ll admit that. But my question is, has it ever really been improved by it? I mean, one of my favorite songs is When the Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin (1971) but does it actually make the song better? I say no, the guitar, the bass, the drums, and the lyrics carry that song, the harmonica is in the background being only mildly annoying. What about Karma Chameleon by Culture Club 1983? Nope, doesn’t even work in that song. Have you ever been in an old tin barn that was built before the advent of modern sheet metal fasteners on a windy day? You know what I mean, they didn’t have sheet metal screws so the tin is nailed to the wooden frame, and over time the wind loosens the nails a little and every time the wind blows across the metal the whole building shudders and if you spend more than five minutes inside you come out with tinnitus that last for three days. That’s the sound that a harmonica makes.
I am granting one major pass here. The Wizard by Black Sabbath, 1970. That’s my fucking jam. The Harmonica makes that song, but for a very important reason, the song is about a fucking wizard, we’re talking about an interdimensional plains-walking spell-casting bad ass mother fucking sorcerer. We’re not talking Harry Potter here, we’re talking fucking Gandalf and Saruman shooting fireballs and lighting at each other while raising armies of the dead and summoning demons and dragons to fight each other and The Trooper from Iron Maiden leads the charge and everything else that happened in my own personal (and much improved) way that I chose to remember the Lord of The Rings happened. The reason that annoying otherworldly ear splitting sound works for that song is because the whole song is meant to be otherworldly, literally the exception that proves the rule, harmonicas suck.
Just a side note. Anyone else think the Wizard was the drug dealer?
He turns tears into joy
Everyone’s happy when the wizard walks byNever talking
Just keeps walking
spreading his magicSun is shining, clouds have gone by
All the people give a happy sigh
He has passed by, giving his sign
Left all the people feeling so fine
Yea, I’m not always the best at figuring out hidden meanings and all, but I’m pretty sure the “wizard” just sold Ozzy Osborn a big ol’ bag of weed.
Anyway, now I’m going to invalidate my whole argument. If you didn’t notice, I left the flute out of this, that’s because Jethro Tull are Gods amongst Men. Flutes are fucking awesome, The Mamas and the Papas, California Dreamin’ (1966) is some good shit, so is the Beatles Fool on The Hill (1967.) Now if you’ll excuse me The Wizard just walked by and I’m going to listen to Thick As A Brick on continuous repeat for the next couple of hours. Naw I’m just kidding, my job has mandatory drug testing, I haven’t seen The Wizard since I was in high school, and my kids are probably going to watch iCarly at full volume for next four to five hours.
He’s too old to Rock’n’Roll
but he’s too young to die.
Editor’s note: This was originally written by DrakeGTA for The Rant Network in March of 2017.
