May 18 in the year of our lord two thousand and eleven.
The night was cold and still and I was hungry and a little bit horney. I thought of all the fine chicks I was going to have sex with between my apartment and the grocery store as I put on my jacket and other articles that might keep me safe from the nipple stiffening cold. I stood there staring at the wall of my apartment with my head cocked as I replayed the story of the filthy homeless whore that wanted my cock. Although it never actually happened, it was something that filled a great many of my thoughts whether I wanted it to or not. It went something like this…
As I walk through the park I notice a filthy, smelly, vile old toothless hag sitting on the park bench. As the sound of a twig snaps under my shoe she turns and stares in quiet awe.
“Can I suck your dick you magnificent fucking man you?” she asks with her toothless gums flapping as she speaks.
“You bet your sweet dirty ass you can,” I reply as I move in for the sexy goodness.
But that shit never actually happens to me. The best I get is fat chicks off the internet that break my bed and smell like rancid McNuggetts. God my life sucks.
I was just at the part of the story where the toothless old hag peels off her urine stained undergarments when I was jolted back to reality. Feeling a little silly, I stood there pretending I was examining a defect in the wall in case someone were watching and judging me. It felt a little odd since I live alone, but reality and fantasy do not always mix well.
Stepping outside I took in the crisp night air and trudged on.
As I was walked along my mind drifted back a reenactment of the homeless hag scenario. All was well.
But suddenly and without warning I was torn from my fantasy world by an unfamiliar voice.
“Good evening sir,” said the intruder.
As I looked around I quickly realized that the voice belonged to one of this city’s finest.
“Good evening officer,” I said as I tried to block the blinding light from his patrol car.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“It’s really none of your business,” I replied without thinking.
This was not a smart move.
“What did you say?” asked the officer with a fair amount of attitude.
“Have I done something wrong?” I said finally, looking at my watch.
“I asked you where you were going,” said Officer Dickhead.
“Well sir,” I replied. “I graduated from grade school a long time ago. I’m a big boy now. I was under the impression that this was a free country and that I didn’t need a hall pass to take a walk.”
Now, at this point some of you might be thinking a lot of things. Like perhaps that I am an idiot or that I am some sort of rabble-rouser. The truth is that I never intended to say any of those things. I would have been just as contented to tell the officer where I was going and be on my way but for some reason the words “Grocery Store” came out as all that shit above.
“Look here,” said the officer as he stepped closer to me. “We have had a lot of criminal activity on this street in the past month. Just Last week there were 2 rape attempts.”
“I appreciate your concern officer but I can take care of myself.”
The officer just shook his head as he moved closer.
“Do you know why I stopped you?”
“No,” I said truthfully.
Success! I managed to keep from saying the first thing that came to my mind (because you’re a dick).
“Well,” said the officer as he scratched his head. “Put yourself in my shoes. Here is a large male wearing all black walking down the street where there have been two rape attempts in the past week.”
“So that makes me a rapist?” I interrupted.
“No,” replied the officer. “That alone does not. But add in the fact that you have a massive erection and things get more complicated.”
At the officers urging I looked down to see a protrusion coming from the front of my pants. Although I was embarrassed I did feel rather proud that he had referred to it as a “massive” erection.
“Thank you,” I said timidly.
Things did not look good. I came back with the only reasonable excuse I could think of.
“This is a college town and you are surprised to see a young male walking around with an erection?”
A muffled chuckle could be heard from behind the blinding light, presumably from the officer’s partner.
The officer asked to see my identification and continued with all the formalities that go along with his job. By this time my erection had gone away but as I sat there on the curb, sitting on my hands palm up, gently caressing my taint through my pants, my mind wondered back to that park bench and that magical toothless whore. I closed my eyes and could almost feel the warm sensation of her toothless gums as they slid across my man meat in a furry of wet mouth stuffing. The aroma of stale whiskey and body odor drifted slowly into my nostrils like some sort of wonderful perfume of the gods.
“Please stand up,” the officer said, ripping me from the best part of my fantasy.
I did as he said.
“I would advise you to…,” said the officer as he trailed off, obviously distracted by something. “What the hell is wrong with you, son?” he asked in disgust.
This time he didn’t need to say anything, I knew. The erection had returned.
“Just get the hell out of here,” he continued as he handed back my identification. “You seriously need to get that thing looked at”.
“I will,” I said hopefully.
As I walked past the park my dream girl was once again absent. Some might say that my preoccupation with a toothless homeless hag is not “healthy”. Well, if that’s true then I certainly do not wish to be healthy. In a world of bullshit and hypocrites I find solace in the fantasy world I have created. From the toothless old hag to the one armed, one eyed midget that lets me cum in her empty eye socket, my little fantasy world is a place where I can be me without having to worry about social norms or rejection. In this world I am master of my domain. As long as it exists I am happy. I just hope no one ever finds out about it. That sure would be embarrassing.
With Love,
Penis Condom
